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Nervous

This morning, while driving to Beaumont, I called my fabulous witchy friend, desperate, because I felt the world was closing in on me. We talked about things. We are both going through some exciting experiences, learning, and growing, and getting closer to achieving our goals. The truth is, the world is not closing in, it’s opening up. But that can be scary. Sometimes getting the things you want can be more terrifying than not getting them. Opportunity brings responsibility.

“Don’t fuck this up,” and old friend and mentor from what now seems like a past life said when I told her I’d been accepted into the Escapist Mentorship Program. Her advice encapsulates all my fears. Can I really do this? Am I a good enough artist? Do I have the discipline, the talent, and the charm? Is my social anxiety gonna come bite me in the ass?

Initially I felt a huge rush of excitement at the acceptance. I should have been wary of allowing myself such a tremendous high. “You’re gonna crash,” a frenemy once told me at an art show where I was too excited. And crash I did. Then and now.

I felt exhausted and I couldn’t even sleep. But tonight I hope to get some rest. Also, I hope taking the pulse of my feelings and being honest will help: I am excited but I am also nervous. Very very nervous. Still, I’m grateful for being given this opportunity, and with it, the responsibility of actually making the most of it.

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