Today I started working on these Chanel mannequins and I kept messing up this one girl’s face and in the end I got frustrated and cried. Or maybe not immediately. It took a few other things: a trip to Saks to refill my Angel bottle, then the realization that the unfriendly person who helped me must have given me something else – it just doesn’t smell right! –, but most importantly a visit to haunted territory. It turned out that a benefit for Art Launch, the nonprofit behind the Escapist Mentorship Program, took place in a bar where I last went with someone. Someone I wasn’t happy with despite my best efforts to be happy. And in the red lighting of the bar, I sank into a dark space inside myself – both then and now. I guess it’s the ultimate disappointment to realize this is as good as things will ever get. There is no place to go from here. No progression to hope for. People have their limits. They cannot give you what they don’t have. Sometimes you hit a wall and have to backtrack.
Of course, the evening ended up being nice in its own way. Collectors came to support ArtLaunch. They dragged me out of the dark hole I had sunk into. (And I have to say that’s not easy. After all, a Taurus is a big heavy beast; it requires some heavy lifting).
Later I went and sat outside at Velvet Taco and ate elote and tacos and cake. The evening was getting cool and for the first time this year I needed a jacket from my car. On the drive home I called my cousin. Then I burned sage and walked my dog. I contemplated the mannequin painting again. I shared with some friends on Instagram that I cried over it today. “Baby, don’t cry,” one of them said. Perhaps that should’ve been the theme song for my entire day.