While we were in DC, we visited the Newseum, and there we saw a piece of the Berlin Wall, bare on one side, showing some colorful graffiti on the other. I tried to channel these themes and images into a painting about dissent for my friend’s daughter. I’ve even included the image of Martin Luther King, whom I know she admires. The piece is called You Are Power and is very different from anything I’ve made so far.
It felt good to work on this, especially since I didn’t feel that powerful today. The weather got cold again, as if throwing an unexpected temper tantrum over lunch, and my mood sank along with the temperatures. Funny, how only yesterday, because it was so warm, my usual feelings of being lost and confused, my own personal lack of meaningful context, felt adventurous and freeing. I went to Little India for lunch and sat there spooning rice pudding sweet with cardamom into my mouth, reading memoirs of other people who don’t belong, and I felt moderately happy. Today I saw my inability to form lasting allegiances as a dangerous pattern. I felt isolated and confused and felt like it was pointless to even try as nothing has really worked out so far and my true talent lies in burning bridges not building them. Hopefully by tomorrow my sense of self will be restored and I will once again relish my independence, my freedom, my refusal of cliques, tribes, and other oppressive social structures.
Also, I bought peonies and it strikes me as weird that they bloom here this time of year. Then again, everything is weird, and peonies are nice, even though they make me feel nostalgic. I also bought two books – my ammunition against everything. And I contemplated again running away to Malaga. My friend is there on vacation right now. She said she doesn’t exactly feel blown away by it, but who knows? Maybe there’s something to it after all. Or maybe I just need to survive the two more days of cold coming our way and trust that afterwards spring will come, with bluebonnets and sandal weather, and lush pink blooms in the crepe myrtle outside my window.